It's been a long while. I was scrolling through my past blogs and the memories just kept flowing back and back. My heart ached at certain of my old posts. I cringed at some of my old photos. I sighed at lost friendships and love that went by over the years.
I remember being 18 and having my heart broken for the first time. Silly me waited 3 years for him to change his mind and come back to me. I remember crying in the school's library because I saw photos of him and his then girlfriend and it upset me so much. My friend had to pull me of the library and accompanied me back to Bedok. 3 years I spent pinning for a guy that wouldn't come back. 3 years that I refused to be with anyone because my heart was occupied by him. But I've never regretted that 3 years. Even though I was pinning for someone, I was genuinely happy being by myself.
The year I was supposed to turn 21, I met someone and we dated 1 year before I met someone else yet again. I met J. And I ended being with J for 2.5 years.
I had many ups and down with J. He would sit right by my side while I skype-d with my friend in the US. During the weekends, I would help him with his work and we'd sit side by side working quietly on our laptops. Sometimes after I was done with classes, he would surprise me at my school and send me back home during the early stages of our relationship.
After 1 year of dating, I've already made up my mind that I'd spend the rest of my life with him. All my friends knew him, all his friends knew me. He knew all my friends as well. He was the one person who knew me very well. He knew that food distracts me very well. He reads my facial expression very well. He'd always ask what's wrong whenever he sensed that I was unhappy. He always showed patience towards me. He always made sure I knew he loved me. Our most difficult time was when he was away for 1 month. But I waited for him. Everyone called me silly for waiting that I should move on. But you don't give up on the person you love.
Then came a day when I asked for a separation. He cried. He ordered my favourite 20pc McNuggets and had it delivered to my house. Eventually my heart soften when I saw how sincere he was and how much feelings he had for me and realized that no one would know me the way he does. He sends me back home after lessons, fetches me after my drinking sessions with my friends because I was upset that we fought yet again. He chases after me everytime I walk away because he knew if he doesn't, I will be more upset. (I remember how sweet that conversation went when I chided him for not leaving me alone when I specifically ask him not to follow me)
But eventually we went separate ways in March 2014. It was the hardest breakup I had in my life. It took me about 7 months to finally be okay. I knew I made everyone worry for me because I was losing a lot weight and my soul never seemed to be around even though my body was there with them.
Here I am. After about 4 months being with A. 4 months of being on and off. And now I don't know what to make of us. I am really upset, disappointed and angry. I'm upset because I don't know how much I mean to him. I'm disappointed because it seems like he doesn't bother about me anyone, kind of like whatever we had wasn't real. I'm angry because I felt played, that it seems like I'm invisible towards him.
He's called me stupid, lan (useless/lousy), paranoid and what not... I felt like I was his dirty little secret. He'd rather do all the cool things with his friends and not me. I felt that he has nothing to say to me, that his phone was somehow more interesting than me. I felt that I was a burden to him. I felt that he changed. I remember our first date, he didn't even look at his phone. What happened? Since when did the phone become more interesting than me?
I tell myself if I can get through the breakup with J, everything else should be easy. And that's what everyone keeps telling me. Everyone believed that the breakup with J was the hardest I've had so far. HF once told me that I've become more strong and independent. She said I don't always rely on my boyfriend now as compared to last time when my world revolved around my boyfriend. But sometimes even the strong ones are allowed to fall right?
I just yearn to be that girlfriend that relies on the boyfriend all the time. As strong as I seem on the outside. I just want to have someone reliable to lean on at the end of the day. I want to have someone who is going to hear me rant randomly and whine randomly. I want someone who is going to be there at the end of the day no matter no hard it is to be with me. I'm just so tired of this. Sometimes I think I am destined to be alone.
